Something, somewhere else

Let me tell about you one of the many reasons why I joined the Peace Corps: To put it bluntly, I was restless and something within me needed filling. My bedroom walls at home were covered with old calendar pictures of beautiful places to which I wanted to travel; of places that seemed to call my name, of places that, when I stared deep into the glossy and shallow beauty that only a picture can produce, left me both with a deep feeling of excitement for the future and an emptiness that kept me yearning for something, somewhere else. Along with other motivating factors I decided that the Peace Corps was the right place for me and after many many months of waiting, I made it to Thailand. About a month into training I purchased a notebook (that I intended to use for my language studies but as I have already exhausted all the pages of the journals I was given before I left, the blank lines ultimately became the home for my never ending thoughts). I purchased this specific notebook because the cover boasted a gorgeous picture similar to one I would have glued to my wall in the states. I looked at this picture and imagined myself walking along the wooden bridge to the straw-covered hut that stood on stilts in the middle of that water. This time I smiled because looking at the picture did not leave me with the emptiness that it would have many months ago - Thailand was that picture for me…I was already in that other place, that “something, somewhere else”. That was 2 months ago. That feeling has slowly begun to erode since I arrived at site. Yesterday I sat in front of my fan with my head in a book, attempting to, unsuccessfully of course, escape the heat. Currently, I am reading a book that I have found myself deeply entranced by. It is, honestly, an innately good book but I am largely entranced, I believe, because when I read it, that emptiness is slightly satiated. I sincerely do want to travel. I yearn to meet people – the real people of different countries, hear what they have to say, and simply let their realities, my impossibilities, etch themselves as images, as thoughts, and as memories upon my mind. But as I become restless again, as is the case right now in Kabin, the desire to travel becomes more of an attempt at escaping that restlessness. So needless to say, I suppose, I was daydreaming in front of my fan of the time in the future when everything feels good again, that though I don’t believe in destiny or “supposed to’s”, life just simply felt right and that I was again, in that “something, somewhere else”. I daydreamed having this feeling in a forest where I sat amongst mango and banana tress. I dreamed of a silence so intense that I began to experience the layers that made up the silence: the sound of silence that intrinsically comes with the pure absence of sound itself, of course, but also the silence defined by the rustling of the leaves and the silence of the wind itself that rustles those leaves. Life doesn’t always work that way, however. Today, I sat at a wooden table with my pawaw (principal), who I currently and sincerely hold as my favorite person here. A piece of computer paper sat on the table between us, a fan above, attempting to quell the heat that somehow seems to thrive and burn regardless of the presence or absence of sun. Maybe I was drugged in a strange sense by the heat, maybe the stray hairs from my ponytail that brushed against my cheek calmed me beyond comprehensible reason but as we sat discussing the future school schedule, I was greatly overcome with that very feeling I imagined having in the forest. Life felt good. I could feel it and instead of sharing this feeling with the unseen creatures of the forest or my traveling buddies of the time like I had envisioned, I kept in inside, and instead let it envelope all of me to simply enjoy that moment with this Thai man, the paper between, the fan above, and the life moving on outside. Life is still not as I know it can, be but I am patient. I live with a loneliness that comes not from actually being alone but from the invisible wall between myself and the many people that exist around me, formed simply because of language – an entity that is, in all actuality, not so simple - but I look forward to the future, to the good work that I have the opportunity to do, and to the disintegration of the wall between myself and the Thai people…or maybe, upon second thought, the wall may always remain –after all, I am an American and they Thai. My wall, however, may take on a life similar to that of the Ancient Great Wall of China – still standing but restructured and rebuilt, definition and purpose changing concurrently with time. I am still restless, I am ready for school to start and I am ready to apply myself. I still look at a picture and yearn to be there but I do know that as Thailand has once been that picture for me, I know it will be again. I must simply wait for the dandelions to be spread (right Jess?)

Here are a couple of actual occurences besides my thoughts:
1. I have not had running water for the past 5 days. I have had to bring in water from the large ceramic bowls that store the rain water from the back of my house. I must admit though, that I absolutely love this. It is what I actually imagined when I thought about joining the Peace Corps...
2. I got to go back to Sakeo for a two day English Camp. I had dinner at the most amazing resort. A similar resort in the states would cost around 200$ a night....here, $20. Come visit me! After experiencing bathing in rain water you and I can go to this resort....;)
3. I know I had more to share but I'm tired ok! Love to you all!

Freedom

Yay check out this website! http://www.pcthailandgigs.org/45/index.html. This was made recently to accommodate some of the pictures taken at the event. Good stuff. Besides that, I have very little to share: It's been hot as hell (110 at 7:00pm) and I have several infected mosquito bites, I had another English camp today and feel extremely excited for school to start - the kids are beyond fantastic, and I think I am moving into my new house in a couple of days.....maybe.....probably not.

I am a Peace Corps tool. We are told not to get in the back of a truck that is not covered, to not ride a motorcycle, and to always wear a helmet when biking - breaking any of these rules is grounds for early separation and you WILL go home. I have followed all of these rules despite my desperate wanting to break them. But one day I was exploring the area on my bike and, with the added frustrations of what the past week had brought to me, I was feeling ready to break my self granted title of "Peace Corps Tool" - no one would see me after all, how would the Peace Corps know? "I just want to be free. Damn Peace Corps!", I yelled to absolutely no one. But with the silence that came after my whining cry, I realized, Jesus, it's just a god damn helmet. How could I, in all honesty, be any more free? This thought brought the image of the 2 year old who was allowed to walk around free in the back seat and who was subsequently tossed to the front of the car when we came to a sudden halt (nothing bad happened luckily). It brought to mind the story some friends told when they saw a child being dragged along the asphalt because she fell off of the motorcycle. When her parents finally stopped the vehicle her leg was scraped raw - there were probably not anywhere near enough tears for that girl to show the world how scared she was. We might call these two stories consequences of bad parenting, lack of concern for safety, lack of thought even...but despite what we might call these incidents, I can't help but wonder, are they more free? There are no laws telling them what to do. If they want to risk any feasible outcome, then they are free to choose that option, no? Two summers before I left to the Peace Corps, some friends and I were swimming in the reservoir. We bought some large tractor tire intertubes, blew them up, and planned for a fun day of tubing. Shortly after we started the day, the reservoir police came to us and told us that intertubes were not allowed on the water and we were to either throw the tubes ashore or promptly leave the area. I felt frustrated at this complete lack of freedom....if I want to swim in an intertube, I simply should! Right? Which would you rather have? I'm still working on my answer - it is obviously more complicated then these two sides...let me know what you think :)

Songkran

Yesterday was the last feasible day for me to send in my rent receipt to Peace Corps headquarters before the Songkran holiday - or so I thought. As I stood outside staring stupidly at the door attempting to decipher the hours of operation, two men came up to me and told me that the post office was closed today because of Songkran. No way I said, Songkran doesn't start until tomorrow. Yes, they said but today we don't work either. So it seems as if it wasn't entirely necessary for the Royal Thai Government to extend the holiday by 2 days....the people do it anyway! :) It was bound to be a good day. As it turns out it really was. Probably one of the best thus far at site. I met a farang from Ireland and I exhuberantly took the opportunity to talk to him -in English- for an hour or so. The rest of the day it rained so needless to say, I loved it. Today was the true first day of Songkran and I can sincerely say that is one of the most amazing celebrations I have seen and still have yet to understand what the hell is going on. They tell me that they are celebrating the new year but the year is not actually going to change (which by the way it is actually 2550 here in Thailand - they count the years based off of the birth of buddha). So, I need to keep asking around....there was some talk about a 12 year rotation similar to the Chinese years but I'm still confused. Basically, today, I sang about 15 kareoke songs, danced to about twice as many as that, ate about 5 pounds more than THAT, all while being drenched in water. I first went to the house of my principal's sister where a ceremony took place (which is only natural - beginning ceremonies are ubiquitious at any Thai event) that truly made me realize the difference between our cultures in regards to revering our elders. About 10 or so elders sat in the chairs reserved for them lining the perimeter of the room. Each and every single other person in the room was to take a cup of water filled with marigolds and go aroud to the elderly and pour some into their hands. You sit down on your knees and wai the first person in the row. As a side note, the practice of the wai towards the elderly is absolutely amazing. It is almost filled with more reverence than the wai for monks. Typically, we wai others with a slight bow, with our hands near our chins but when we wai the elders we basically bend our backs as if going into a toe stretch. I will take a picture of it soon...it is beautiful. Anyway, we wai , they wai back, and then dump water on their hands and then wai again and move down the line so that every person is "blessed" 20-30 times. After that we ate, sang, and danced....a lot. We then proceeded to my principals house where we stood outside the gate on the street to squirt everypassing person with water....but here's what gets me: some people stop to get wet but before we would dump water on them, they waied us, giving thanks for the water! One elderly couple that rode past in a motorcycle and carriage (with a style similar to the one in Garden State but so rusty it could have been the one used in Motorcycle Diaries) stopped with the biggest smiles on their faces, waied for water, and then thanked us before going on their merry way. We then went over to the house of my prinicpals friend where we again ate, drank, and sang - again. They were dumping ice cold water on our backs which sounds nice and all but was absolutely freezing as there was no sun out. But heres what I love about it - oh the irony of it all- I am to watch and follow the Thai custom and as they waied before being splashed, as should I wai before being splashed....how do you thank someone for water when you sincerely don't want it - you just do and you just simply love it. Tomorrow my co-teacher is picking me up....I have no idea what we are doing but I'm sure it is going to be wet. Ummm...yah, I suppose that is all for now. I'm sure I'll have more for you tomorrow :)

Donuts

Hey, so I intended to write more than I am going to but I got into writing a pretty lengthy email to Jess about the nature of humanity....now I get to write about more cheery things like Peace Corps lonlieness. During training we were told the story of a Peace Corps volunteer who pretty much dropped out of contact from everyone. Some of the staff went to his site to make sure he was ok and as they neared his house delicious scents of donuts filled the air. The staff soon discovered that the volunteer had turned his house into a bakery, but no so much in a sugar coated, lovey sort of way....no, this volunteer had gone so crazy with lonliness that he spent day and night baking donuts - the spongey breakfast desserts occupied every space in his house.....occassionally, I get random thoughts that I could very easily become the Donut Girl. Ok, ok, so this sounds very serious simply because I have told you that I am lonely but I write this all in jest (well, mostly all in jest). Soon, I promise, I will stop writing about the loneliness....I can say, however, that it rained again today which comes as a very welcome surprise....I'm going to be able to wear a long sleeve shirt tonight to bed!!! I have never seen rain like I have seen here in Thailand. The other day it rained so hard I was honestly a little scared! I have a very sneaky suspicion that the internet is going to give out on me so I am going to attempt to post what I have here.....love to all.

Is it BM? Is it really???

Oh these picture make me miss Sakeo. These was taken during our English Camp during training. The kids in the first picture are competing for the best monkey impression. I don't remember who won but I sure hope the kid in the front did....pretty good huh? The students do wear uniforms but a different set everyday. I believe this is their Monday uniform. The second picture is a group of girls doing a dance for us. It is very common for girls to dress up and do traditional Thai dances - and as you can see, they start at a very early age. The picture below is part of our TCCO group on the way to visit a school. I got to sit in the Air conditioned van that day! :) I just got back from doing the first of a 3 day english camp. It definitely wasn't the best camp there ever was and hopefully it will be better tomorrow. Before we were sworn in as volunteers, we were warned that the first three months at site were going to be very difficult; that most volunteers experience a decrease in overall satisfaction (they even created a timeline for us). Yah. It's true. I am missing home so incredibly much right now. I am missing my home in the states and also my home in Sakeo. I feel like my language learning has come to a screaching halt - I've probably only learned about 10 new words these past two weeks. This makes it quite difficult to talk to people - I'm not exactly having a lot of varied conversation right now - my Thai is extinguished at some point and asking "arai na" (what?) and saying "mai kao jai" (I don't understand) so many times is very trying. I'm feeling extremely inadequate as a volunteer right now as well....sigh. I'm meeting some friends in about a month though so I look forward to that. Hope everyone is ok thousands of miles away :)

I have pictures!!!

Thanks to a fantastic friend I have some pictures to share with you all. He sent them to me as a birthday present and I could not be happier!!!! It's amazing how pictures through an email becomes the best present in the world :) But, here's the deal: life is pretty darn slow here right now. It is summer break for school and all we really have to do is just go out and talk to people and...well, just be. So, I decided that in addition to spending some time just hanging out at the talat today, I would also spend some time in the nice air conditioned room and write yet another blog. Yay. I was feeling pretty darn lonely today so I called one of my best friends here, Megan. We talked for an hour and I feel much much better. Lonely already and it's only the 2nd week at site you might ask? Well I will tell you that not being able to fully explain ANYTHING to the people around you is very tiring and leaves you with a sense of emptiness.....thankfully we have cell phones and I have a good set of people behind me. Currently, I am sitting in the internet shop where 20 other kids are blankly staring at their computer screens playing internet games....the thing that gets me is that they all have the music or sound to their games turned up (seemingly) as loud as possible. How they know what sound belongs to their game I have no idea...but this is definitely not a quiet Buddist wat....;) Today I am going to go to "den aerobics" which is dance aerobics. It should be a good time dancing to some Thai pop music don't you think? So, here are the explanations to my pictures.
This first picture is Bekah and myself. Bekah is one of my best friends here as well. She is 28 years old and from Florida. Her accent is one of the strongest southern accents I have ever heard. She was my bike buddy during Sakeo. I passed her house every day to work where her family would greet me with exhuberant hellos. The skirt I am wearing (and the yellow thing underneath the white shirt) was part of a costume that I had to wear that day for a dance. Myself and 9 other people did a northern dance for our going away party in Sakeo. It turned out...well, OK I suppose...but I was laughing the whole time. It was a blast. I can show you the dance if you come visit!!! The next one below this is me in my full costume after the dance and my friend John (not the John most of you are thinking of). The woman in the foreground is my pi sao (older sister) who housed me during my 10 weeks in Sakeo. Her name is Baeo though I honestly only learned that the last week...I asked her name the first day I got there but because I couldn't understand Thai, I easily forgot it and never asked again because I always called her pi sao. I only learned because my younger sister called her name and she answered...yay, for listening closely huh? I have no idea who the woman to my right is by the way....John's host

mom maybe?? The next picture is of John and I again (again not the John you are thinking of) at our swearing in ceremony. The yellow shirts we are wearing were made special for the day....I believe I have already told you about the swearing in ceremony so I won't go into any more detail except for that the shirts were extremely uncomfortable, we had to pay 1000 baht, which is a substantial amount, and will most likely never wear them again in our lives. We all joke about the fact that we will wear them to our first job interview when we get back to the states however. What an impression that would make right? If you can see in the background there is writing on the wall. It says Peace Corps 45th Anniversary blah blah blah...this letter announcement is HUGE in Thailand..I mean huge. Every gathering you go to there will be a sign indicating where you are and what you are there for. Just one of those things that makes me smile. The next picture is of Bekah, myself, and Tina. I didn't get a change to get to know Tina very well but she is a sweet heart. She was a camp counselor in Colorado for a couple years, has a lot of energy and has given some great ideas for songs and lessons. She is stationed in the south of Thailand so I probably won't get to see her. The next picture is of Meghan and myself. I love her. She is very awesome. We initially bonded because we were roommates in San Francisco but mostly bonded through our discussions of who is the sweatiest person in Thailand - she or I. I always claim it is I but she definitely comes into a close second. We have similar views about pretty much everything and also understand each other as her dad passed away a couple of years ago. The picture at the beginning is of myself and John (the John you ARE thinking of) during free time during our language tests. Time to go.....do what, I ahve no idea right now but I'm sure it will be hot. Oh, today I am making dinner for my family....it is a new creation of mine....it is rice (of course) with eggs and APPLES (kao gap kai sai appen). They laugh when I tell them I cooked eggs with apples, and in all honesty, I didn't know what I was doing when I started to cook but it was the only food I had....you use what you got right? It turned out pretty good and so I offered to cook it for them. They will probably grang jai me and tell me it is great when they actually think it is discusting but eh, it will be fun none the less. Oh, my reason for saying that was because I have a bag of eggs hanging off my bike which are probably roasting in the sun.....I should get them inside. Oh, I have no fridge yet so keeping things fresh has been quite a problem. Ok, love to all :)

Baan Chow mai ben mai mai

So I suppose I will try again to let everyone in on my life – basically, I’ve had a rough couple of days. I was living with a host family for close to a week but moved into my baan chow about 4 days ago. Through my frustrations with the Peace Corps for placing me in a city when I directly told them I didn’t want to be in a city, I hastily chose a baan chow without really looking around – I was just simply ready to be out on my own, in my own house, have my own freedoms. When I got to my baan chow I discovered that it is located in an industrial district – the cows that grazed in my backyard stole my attention from the main road directly in front of my house that I would later come to find out boasts "bit rote" which, literally translated, means stop/off/end car or to us city folk: rush hour. In addition to this, the house was just too modern – granted it was modern Thai style but I had a flushing toilet and that was jut too much! Also, I found myself separated from an actual community, there were no kids around. Who was I going to play soccer with? So I decided to move. There was another baan chow that I saw the day I went looking for houses. It was all wood, very Thai but the bathroom was not attached to the house and because I have to follow Peace Corps rules (they won’t let volunteers live in houses with detached bathrooms due to security reasons) I quickly passed on the house. BUT! This is the very house that will, in a week or so, become my new, permanent location. The landlord is currently, as we speak actually, working on building me a bathroom that is attached to the house. 3 (almost 4 – wow!) months ago, I would have said no to this generosity but I have sense learned that it is just what they do…so I gratefully accepted their offer to build me a bathroom (at no extra cost to me).
Now here’s the thing. The volunteers here in Thailand, my group and all groups that have preceded me, as well as our training staff (most of whom have been volunteers in Thailand themselves) consider service in this country to be more "Posh Corps" rather than Peace Corps. The kindness and generosity of the Thai people make transitioning easy. My life here in Thailand has had nothing worth complaining about and I feel that my blogs have been pretty darn positive…..but today, I want to explain about a struggle that I have had to deal with because of the very generosity that I speak of. I have mentioned many a time that the Thais are genuinely concerned for my safety and that they are a very communal society. These two aspects cause a lot of ben hooang (concern) about me living on my own. People are sent over to check on me at any time of the day. I am always stopped and questioned when I want to go somewhere by myself and often times, they won’t let me go by myself. I was beginning to feel extremely congested and that my space was cramped to its extreme. But I realized one day as I was sitting in my own sweat in my baan chow at a time when no one else was around that I didn’t want to be alone….I didn’t come to Thailand to be alone. I am moving to a new place where I will most definitely not be alone…my house shares land with another family, whom I am already in love with. I am already their luuk-sao (daughter) and they have a daughter of their own who is 27 and very awesome. This house is in an actual community. I can walk down the street and have 20 people to talk to. And there are kids! So many of them too! It is going to be a fight for me to get privacy and alone time but I decided that my desire for this is entirely trumped by my desire and need to live the Thai livfe – to live in a COMMUNITY.

So here are just a couple tid-bits that I think you might enjoy
1. Near and far are the same word: glie- just said with different tones
2. Mai can mean at least 5 things: wood, new, a mark, a window, and a question indicator. Get this for a question: "baan chow mai ben mai mai" Literally translated: baan chow new is wood "?" Is your new house wood?
3. There are gas attendants at gas stations. Typcially high school aged kids who fill up your tank and clean your windows while you wait in the air conditioned car.
4. When you order at a restaurant, you either write down what you want on a piece of paper yourself and hand it to the waitress, or you just tell your order to the waitress who actually doesn’t write anything down but goes and tells someone that’s what you want. When you are done, the waitress will come back, ask what you ordered, THEN write it down and then tally up how much it costs.
5. They do use toilet paper in Thailand…just more so as napkins.

Mom or dad, or Jess you might have to do this…..could you send me an absentee ballot form? I would so very much love to be able to vote in the upcoming election!

Ok, so an explanation of the pictures. The first one was sent to me by my friend from my tombone back in Sakeo. This was the road we got the absolute pleasure of biking together everyday. In this picture the cows are all huddled together on the right side of the road but often times, they were scattered and we had to stop and wait for them to pass or make our way through them like a pizza delivery boy in New York City traffic. The second picture is of all of us when we first got to Sakeo almost 3 months ago. The picture was taken in front of the Governors building. They gave us lais and sang and danced for us when we first arrived. It was quit the welcoming.

I just spent an hour writing a blog.....the internet lost connection and I, thusly, lost all of my writing....sigh.