Something, somewhere else

Let me tell about you one of the many reasons why I joined the Peace Corps: To put it bluntly, I was restless and something within me needed filling. My bedroom walls at home were covered with old calendar pictures of beautiful places to which I wanted to travel; of places that seemed to call my name, of places that, when I stared deep into the glossy and shallow beauty that only a picture can produce, left me both with a deep feeling of excitement for the future and an emptiness that kept me yearning for something, somewhere else. Along with other motivating factors I decided that the Peace Corps was the right place for me and after many many months of waiting, I made it to Thailand. About a month into training I purchased a notebook (that I intended to use for my language studies but as I have already exhausted all the pages of the journals I was given before I left, the blank lines ultimately became the home for my never ending thoughts). I purchased this specific notebook because the cover boasted a gorgeous picture similar to one I would have glued to my wall in the states. I looked at this picture and imagined myself walking along the wooden bridge to the straw-covered hut that stood on stilts in the middle of that water. This time I smiled because looking at the picture did not leave me with the emptiness that it would have many months ago - Thailand was that picture for me…I was already in that other place, that “something, somewhere else”. That was 2 months ago. That feeling has slowly begun to erode since I arrived at site. Yesterday I sat in front of my fan with my head in a book, attempting to, unsuccessfully of course, escape the heat. Currently, I am reading a book that I have found myself deeply entranced by. It is, honestly, an innately good book but I am largely entranced, I believe, because when I read it, that emptiness is slightly satiated. I sincerely do want to travel. I yearn to meet people – the real people of different countries, hear what they have to say, and simply let their realities, my impossibilities, etch themselves as images, as thoughts, and as memories upon my mind. But as I become restless again, as is the case right now in Kabin, the desire to travel becomes more of an attempt at escaping that restlessness. So needless to say, I suppose, I was daydreaming in front of my fan of the time in the future when everything feels good again, that though I don’t believe in destiny or “supposed to’s”, life just simply felt right and that I was again, in that “something, somewhere else”. I daydreamed having this feeling in a forest where I sat amongst mango and banana tress. I dreamed of a silence so intense that I began to experience the layers that made up the silence: the sound of silence that intrinsically comes with the pure absence of sound itself, of course, but also the silence defined by the rustling of the leaves and the silence of the wind itself that rustles those leaves. Life doesn’t always work that way, however. Today, I sat at a wooden table with my pawaw (principal), who I currently and sincerely hold as my favorite person here. A piece of computer paper sat on the table between us, a fan above, attempting to quell the heat that somehow seems to thrive and burn regardless of the presence or absence of sun. Maybe I was drugged in a strange sense by the heat, maybe the stray hairs from my ponytail that brushed against my cheek calmed me beyond comprehensible reason but as we sat discussing the future school schedule, I was greatly overcome with that very feeling I imagined having in the forest. Life felt good. I could feel it and instead of sharing this feeling with the unseen creatures of the forest or my traveling buddies of the time like I had envisioned, I kept in inside, and instead let it envelope all of me to simply enjoy that moment with this Thai man, the paper between, the fan above, and the life moving on outside. Life is still not as I know it can, be but I am patient. I live with a loneliness that comes not from actually being alone but from the invisible wall between myself and the many people that exist around me, formed simply because of language – an entity that is, in all actuality, not so simple - but I look forward to the future, to the good work that I have the opportunity to do, and to the disintegration of the wall between myself and the Thai people…or maybe, upon second thought, the wall may always remain –after all, I am an American and they Thai. My wall, however, may take on a life similar to that of the Ancient Great Wall of China – still standing but restructured and rebuilt, definition and purpose changing concurrently with time. I am still restless, I am ready for school to start and I am ready to apply myself. I still look at a picture and yearn to be there but I do know that as Thailand has once been that picture for me, I know it will be again. I must simply wait for the dandelions to be spread (right Jess?)

Here are a couple of actual occurences besides my thoughts:
1. I have not had running water for the past 5 days. I have had to bring in water from the large ceramic bowls that store the rain water from the back of my house. I must admit though, that I absolutely love this. It is what I actually imagined when I thought about joining the Peace Corps...
2. I got to go back to Sakeo for a two day English Camp. I had dinner at the most amazing resort. A similar resort in the states would cost around 200$ a night....here, $20. Come visit me! After experiencing bathing in rain water you and I can go to this resort....;)
3. I know I had more to share but I'm tired ok! Love to you all!